Despite my wicked sense of humor, happy disposition, (my promise to friends that I will write about all the humor in my life, waxing and bleaching bums–my days of beautiful school will soon come), my appreciation of life and all small gifts, I have my days. Today, in fact, is one of them. After what was such a fun filled beautiful day with friends yesterday, and a lovely evening visiting with a dear friend, I went to bed last night and awoke from the most awful nightmare. But the thing is I went to bed feeling so, well, me, and content. I put on my prettiest, silkiest, adoring chemise–happy and smiling from a happy day and tucked into bed, alone and into warm slumber of rest. When the nightmare shook me awake, I got out of bed and wandered around my apartment, trying to make sense of why our dreams can haunt us. In my pacing of between half awake, I realized that two day earlier December 8th was the anniversary of the passing of my beloved dog, Wyatt, and I had forgotten, remembering something didn’t feel quite right that day but I still moved through it. Something I suppose life teaches us, is that the living keep living and time does heal and we are allowed to move past such sad memories. But not sad..I had a beautiful life with my canine friend and he never wanted for anything, but I felt the guilt of forgetting. But as I type this, that in itself is a lie, like the little dark creatures that stay hidden, just waiting for a weak moment to take you down a different path. He would be happy that I didn’t mourn him that day, like I had all the years before.
I finally at some point in the evening fell back asleep. But this morning, so grey and overcast set the mood, even before I got out of bed. Oh, fuck it!! Before 10 am I went to the local liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka, stopped by the convenient store and bought a pack of cigarettes (a new, temporary vice) and decided to resign myself to the mood. Wanting so badly to get over this hump in my life, my, I guess, mid-life crisis…somedays win, somedays lose or maybe they are all just part of some master plan to shake us awake, much like my nightmare of last night.
Who knows…but I can promise in this blog that you will see a girl, evolve, resurrect herself–knowing that so many are out there doing the same. One thing life, so far, has taught me, is that despite the current gloom and loneliness, I am a survivor. I will discover a new and different me, maybe one much unlike the girl I use to know but better. But today, it is vodka, cigarettes and time reflecting. Tomorrow, I have no idea what it will bring but I assure you, if I know myself, there will be laughter somewhere, a bit of hope and wellness. Life, as a friend once told me, is not linear, it is a constant struggle to regain, pursue, overcome but when you get to the other side, the reward is beyond what you could ever have imagined.
Cheers, and happy Monday. :-)